Relationship BS

This won’t be a popular topic, and won’t endear me to some people, but the truth (or at least my truth) must be said.

This is about relationships, most specifically, about the protocols and hurdles we all put in front of us to make something as simple as Person A + Person B incredibly complicated. By “WE”, I mean the entire fucking world. Be it Venezuela, USA or any other country, we all do this.

While there are many bullshit situations we face, I’ll break it down to a few common ones, and with which I’ve had experience, directly or indirectly.

a)      Person A is dating Person B, but B dated C who is a friend of A: aka, “Dating a friend’s Ex”. When this happens, everyone involved gets secretive and tries to handle things delicately, even if B and C’s relationship ended YEARS BEFORE, because if they don’t then C will have his tiny little feelings hurt and things will get ugly.
People, I will put this as plainly as I possibly can: If you’re A, B or C in this situation and you’re handling things this way, YOU’RE IDIOTS, the lot of you.
If the relationship has ended and everyone’s moved on, What’s the fucking problem? Does C think B is his own property? He used that toy so on one else can? Fuck C. People are not property and if you can’t be happy for your friend and someone you once had strong feelings for, I’m sorry but you’re an ass and a horrible person, please don’t contribute to the human gene pool, you’ll pollute it.
As for Fictiomeo and Inventiullet here, A and B, stop thinking about past significant others, they’re just that, PAST, as in, not relevant right now. Focus on your own damn happiness and let others deal with it, if they don’t like it, a good “Fuck you” solves that problem.

b)      Person A and Person C are friends and both want to Date Person B: aka “The Bro Code situation”. Dear me, there are so many variations on the level of stupidity that goes through people’s heads in these cases I can’t really list them all and break down how each is massively asinine, so I’ll choose just one or two from the repertoire to break down, but if you’re involved in any of the others, just repeat this to yourselves: “I am an idiot, I must pull my head out of my ass”. Writing it 150 times on a white wall with indelible black marker helps get the message to stick. Try it.

  1. Case I: “You date her, I won’t”: The chivalrous approach. You’re an idiot. What if that person is your “the one” (more on that later). Your just gonna let it go? Don’t be an idiot and be a little selfish. Your selflessness won’t be appreciated. Hell you’re friendship isn’t. You might have gone this way because the “Bro Code” (and whatever the female version of this crap is called) says it’s the right thing to do. I will say this more than once in this post I’m sure: THE BRO CODE IS LIKE THE PIRATE CODE, THEY’RE NOT RULES, THEY’RE MORE LIKE GUIDELINES. Your friendship is first and if it can’t survive you both dating the same person and having that person choose which of you she’ll take home, then it’s not worth it in the first place; but let’s say your “friendship” is important. Cool, talk to each other and deal with it, don’t default to an abstract, not-in-paper set of bullshit rules. The only way this isn’t idiocy is if your friend has genuine feelings for that other person, i.e. is in love, and you’re not. Then you can feel free to get out of the way.
  2. Case II: “Let’s make a pact, none will date her”: The Vienna 18th century approach. Again, the choice in who dates her more than once isn’t YOURS, it’s the other person’s, Person B, the girl, the guy, the somewhere-in-between (unless of course you don’t like B, in which case if you’re in this situation, you have issues, deep ones, so try as hard as you can not to contribute with the human gene pool, we don’t need this crap in future generations). If you’re both interested, which is the starting point, the only fucking pact or sacred covenant you asses have to make is playing fair, no dirty tricks and above all that no matter what happens, you’ll still be friends. Let the use of the so-called “Bro Code” as last resort, in case neither of you can come to an agreement. But if that’s the case, then your friendship isn’t really worth it.

    The one thing you can be sure of if you’re an idiot in cases I or II is that things will backfire horribly. One of you will feel pressured and betrayed, even if they agreed to terms, and then they’ll break the “oath” and things will get ugly. Friendships will end, or in case you’re going full 18th century on this, there will be a duel in the field of honor; in which case I suggest you use live ammo and do us all a favor.

c)       Taking people back: aka “I know I stabbed you 57 times in the back but I still love you”. Don’t. DON’T. DO NOT. VERBOTEN. NON, NO, IE, NEIN, NYET. Repeat it to yourself until your head hurts then do it a few more times, you can stop when your nose bleeds.
People make mistakes, sure, and just like the law you might (I don’t) forgive first offense, but recurrent relationship criminals should never be forgiven and “taken back”.
Don’t be an idiot, it’s not complicated, don’t think about what if you don’t find anyone else, or if this is the best you can do, etc. Being alone and lonely is better than living with the heartache and baggage you’ll have if you go this way.
I will break it down to simple terms, so you can understand: Can you trust this person not to screw you over? If no then kick that ass, no matter how fine it is, to the curb. If you accept them back and they screw you over, THAT’S ON YOU, you had it coming.
Screw you once, shame on them. Screw you ad infinitum, shame on you!

d)      Psychos: We’ve all had them, the psycho from hell. The people who treat us like crap and we keep coming back for more, and it’s not like we’re masochists, we don’t like the pain, the other people are just our own brand of kryptonite (if you don’t know what kryptonite is, you live in a cave or in Amish country).
It’s a similar case to the previous one, only this is while the relationship is still “active”, or in my case, before the split personalities surface.
I will say this from personal experience: RUN, as fast as you can, get away, leave, shoo. You don’t need this crap. It helps to, behind bulletproof glass if needed, give the other person the rundown of the crap she’s pulled on you and why you don’t want to ever see them again. If you can end the speech with either a “Fuck you!!!!” or a “Blow me!!”, it helps, definitely helps. Both to end the relationship and to give you enough of a sense of accomplishment not to ever want to go back.

e)       COMMITMENT: Left the big one for last, the biggest source of mental hurdles and brain droppings, this is where the wild idiots howl at the moon looking for a fucking clue. Like with point b, there are many variations, going from the inability to say “I love you” (they’re 3 fucking words, if you can say “Me want cake”, you can say “I love you”, period. And if you don’t feel it by the point the “I-Love-You”s start flying, break up), to the one I’ll rant on: The nervous backpedal before becoming exclusive, going steady, living together and of course marriage.

  1. The most common cause for idiots, I mean men, and maybe one or two women, is the fear of being with only one person for the rest of your lives. More common on the latter stages of a relationship. You’re idiots, big surprise. If you’ve reached a point where this is even a consideration, you’ve probably laid off the laying with random people and now just do your thing with the person next to you, so it’s not even worth giving it a second thought. Besides, even if you’re such a horn dog you make 007 blush; at the end of the day being with that person is worth much more than all the one night stands you can conceive.
  2. Second in order of stupidity comes the “Are they ‘The One’” question. Unless you’re living in the Matrix and you’re wondering if they’re Neo, don’t waste any of your brain cells on this. I will give it to you straight: there is no “the one”, there is only “the one right now”. If you don’t meet anyone else in your entire life, then they become “the one”. Just think about it, how many friends do you have that have broken up or divorce after profusely stating the other’s “oneness”? The answer might be 0 or a lot, and both confirm what I just said.
  3. Last but not least, is the living together debacle, where people fear what the other will think of your nasty living habits. By this point, you’ve probably spent more time together than it’s healthy, and stayed overnight so many times at each other’s places each of you has their own drawer. The nasty living habits don’t come into the equation anymore, as you’ve been naked and nasty around each other for a long time now, in and out of the bedroom, so take your minds off the gutter.
    Don’t lie to yourselves, it’s not about habits and shame and any of the crap you keep repeating ad nauseam. It’s about control, you don’t want to lose control of “your space”. Well, my brave idiot, you will have to decide if you want your precious control and be alone again or relinquish it, learn to share the toys, and be FUCKING HAPPY. Shouldn’t be a hard choice, but just in case, choose the latter.

Have fun, enjoy your life and don’t be an idiot, but if you do, don’t contribute to the gene pool. The future thanks you.

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I love everything readable, writeable, playable and of course, edible! I search for happiness, or Pizza, because it's pretty much the same thing! I write and ramble on The Mental Attic and broadcast on my Twitch channel, TheLawfulGeek

5 thoughts on “Relationship BS”

  1. Have someone ever tell you how much shit can you write? xD

    Alas, some of this is on the right track. It is never this simple with people. Or, better say is usually even simpler with people when everyone knows what they want.

    The ones who don’t know, those are the ones that fuck everyone else’s lives…

  2. I love the “dont contribute to the gene pool” best parts ever, kept me wanting more of them. Overall true, but sometimes you dont understand the behavior until you are in the same situation… Still you dont understand it but you find yourself in the exact same spot.

  3. I don’t know why, but all your non-fiction always sounds in my head with the voice of George Carlin xD

    This post, I don’t like it. Too much bullshit.

    Alas, some of the bullshit is on the right track. But It is never “simple” or easy with people. Why? Let’s just say when anybody in a relationship knows what they want, everything is easy.

    Obviously, there’s the people who don’t know what they want. And those people are the ones who fuck everyone else’s lives…

  4. I agree with most of it, i disagree partially on the bro code guideline, there are parts of it which should be taking seriously (at least i do). Let´s take your first exampe, in this case, i would inform my bud that i´m interested in his ex. It seems right in my head for some reason, plus, it would avoid any akwardness if you start dating her and your buddy or my buddy’s buddy saw us.

    Now, here’s part of the relationship BS i hate, when person A and person B break up and it just so happens that most of Person A’s friends are also person B’s friends, cause in some situations, they force the friends to CHOOSE who to be friends with, it’s childish and down right stupid. You ca’t control who their friends are, i mean, depending on what caused the break-up i might side with one, berrate my other friend and leave it in the past.

    Still, great post man, i´ll be sure to read the rest

    1. On that first example I did say “If the relationship has ended and everyone’s moved on”, meaning enough time has passed that there’s not even a snowball’s chance in hell of them getting back together. IF that’s the case, you can inform your friend, but you don’t really need their permission. Would you stop dating the other person if said friend says “no”? Probably not, because to be honest, if they’ve both moved on, and he can’t be happy for both of you, he’s a dick!

      I agree wholeheartedly with you on the second part and have been in such situations. I usually don’t choose a side and am friends with both, unless, as you say, I have enough information on hand to take sides. For my Neutrality, so to speak, I have been berated by others.

      Thanks for the comment!

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